The Abridged Script

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INTO THE WOODS jk.—Libreto/Vocal BookfPage 47 Scene 1 (CINDERELLA'S FATHER ENTERS, sticks his head through the door) CINDERELLA'S FATHER (Spoken) ‘THE CARRIAGE IS WAITING, STEPMOTHER (Spoten) WE MUST BE GONE, (STEPMOTHER, FLORINDA and LUC swith a flourish) CINDERELLA Spoken) GOOD NIGHT, FATHER. (CINDERELLA'S FATHER gruns dazedly and EXITS. As the result of the curse of a once-beautiful witch (Meryl Streep), a baker (James Corden) and his wife (Emily Blunt) are childless. Three days before the rise of a blue moon, they venture into the forest to find the ingredients that will reverse the spell and restore the witch’s beauty: a milk-white cow, hair as yellow as corn, a blood-red cape, and a slipper of gold.

November 9, 2016

The Editing Room

https://the-editing-room.com/s#plnhk

FADE IN:

INT. FANCY WOODS HOUSE

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE is at his NEAR-FUTURISTIC FANCY HOUSE in the FOREST with his two daughters, played by ELLIOT PAGE and EVAN RACHEL WOOD.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Ah, sure is nice here in the near future with our slightly advanced technology. What do you want to do today, girls?

ELLIOT PAGE

Gotta study for my SATs! Because 29-year-olds take SATs, right?

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Into The Woods Script Broadway

I'm prepping for my dance audition, and I'm ALSO a 29-year-old playing a teenager for some reason!

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

At least you match. Anyway, I was thinking maybe we'd burst into song while subverting fairy tale cliches--

ELLIOT PAGE

That's Into the Woods, Dad.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Oh yeah. I meant, let's hike to Alaska and live off the land, directed by Sean Penn until finally dying of--

ELLIOT PAGE

Nope, Into the Wild.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Right. Shit. What about taking hand-held footage of a natural disaster-

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Into the Storm.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

FUCK. So what the hell is this movie about?

ELLIOT PAGE

It's a gripping post-apocalyptic tale of survival! Although it's a Canadian apocalypse so it'll happen very quietly and politely off in the background. But we'll lose ALL OUR NEAR-FUTURE TECHNOLOGY!!

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Oh no!

(pause)

But if we're losing all our tech, why bother making it near-futuristic in the first--

ELLIOT PAGE

Who knows! So, to kick things off.. wait a sec.. oh God, my sister is Evan Rachel WOOD. In this movie called Into the FOREST. Jesus fucking Christ people.

(facepalms)

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Yeah well your name is PAGE which is made of PAPER which comes from WOOD.. okay yes, I'm reaching.

EXT. BEACH

ELLIOT goes to a TEEN FIRE-PIT BEACH PARTY where a bunch of TEENS bounce around doing TEEN STUFF and they meet up with their TEEN BOYFRIEND MAX MINGHELLA who is THIRTY YEARS OLD. Eventually CALLUM and EVAN arrive to pick her up.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

C'mon Elliot, enough wackily getting shitfaced for one night! Try not to puke all over the jeep or die of alcohol poisoning! Ha ha ha, I'm such a cool dad.

INT. BACK AT THE HOUSE

Everything's all normal but then the POWER GOES OUT!!

ELLIOT PAGE

Oh shit! I can't use the slightly advanced computer! I'm not getting a mildly futuristic signal on my modestly enhanced cell phone!

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Hm. Well, don't panic. I'm sure it'll be okay, after all it's only been..

(checks superimposed title on bottom of screen)

..EIGHT DAYS?!? Fuck, we're still acting pretty chill about this. I thought it had been like five hours. Anyway, I won't let anything happen to you.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Seriously? Have you seen the posters or the marketing? The goddamn On-Demand plot summary says 'Two girls must survive, etc'. TWO. No mention of you ANYWHERE.

ELLIOT PAGE

Yeah, even without all that it's painfully obvious you're gonna die. Just a question of how. Maybe my seemingly trustworthy boyfriend will prove to be evil?

(arches eyebrow)

MICHAEL EKLUND

Or me, the super-creepazoid store clerk from town?

(arches eyebrow)

OMINOUS BIKER GANG

Or us, the ominous biker gang?!?

(arch eyebrows)

DIRECTOR PATRICIA ROZEMA

That's right audience, ANY of these threats might be the one that takes down Callum Keith Rennie! Place your bets now!

(spins carnival wheel)

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

C'mon, let's not write me off just yet. Besides if we sense danger we'll take off in the jeep.

ELLIOT PAGE

Oh, that would be the jeep where I left the hatchback wide open? Draining the battery completely overnight? Shame that our slightly futuristic tech didn't extend to having a simple low-battery-cutoff switch for the interior lighting.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

No problem. See, I can modify our chainsaw to start the engine with! Just need to take off a few screws, and the safety guard, then attach these live grenades, and coat the whole thing with C4 and seeping dynamite. Okay then, here we

(explodes)

INT. FANCY WOODS HOUSE -- SOME TIME LATER

ELLIOT and EVAN bravely try to carry on in their huge swanky fancy forest mansion.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Must dance! Must keep dancing! Oh if only I had music to listen to! C'mon Elliot, can't we use just a BIT of our gasoline reserves to power my stereo?

ELLIOT PAGE

Society has fallen to shit and that gasoline is the most precious thing we have. And what if Canada devolves into some kind of 'Malcontent Max: Disappointment Road' scenario?!? I know we're supposed to be teenagers but are we really going to argue about blasting the stereo or not?!?

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

I'm sick of listening to nothing but my stupid metronome! Fuck that stupid fucking thing! Stupid mechanical device that doesn't need electricity or gasoline to function! Fuck you SO HARD

(smashes perfectly functioning mechanical device)

ELLIOT PAGE

Evan, please, we have to keep our heads! We have to focus on survival and sticking together and OHMIGOD MY BOYFRIEND'S OUTSIDE LATER SIS

Sure enough MAX MINGHELLA has arrived! He and ELLIOT engage in some SEXYTIMES.

MAX MINGHELLA

So it turns out, I'm actually not evil. But my friends and I have decided we're walking to Boston, and depending how far that is, we are probably total fucking idiots. You two wanna come with?

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

(checks script)

Shit, we're supposed to be in North California? And you want to walk to BOSTON?! Fuck that.

ELLIOT PAGE

But Evan.. I love him! I truly do!

(crying)

I know we promised Dad we'd always look out for each other. But I have to go with him, I must follow my heart. My mind's made up, this is farewell.. maybe forever!

(sobs)

Goodbye my sister, goodbyeeeeeee..

(takes two steps)

Ah fuck this EVVAAAAAN I'VE RETUUURRNNNNNED

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

(rushing forward)

ELLLLLIOOOOOOTT OH LET US NEVERMORE BE PARRTEEEDD

(embraces)

MAX MINGHELLA

(blinks)

(looks around)

(fucks off)

INT. THE HOUSE -- SOME TIME LATER

ELLIOT does a HOME ~~JUNO PREQUEL~~ PREGNANCY TEST and goes to find EVAN. Ziarah iwan simatupang pdf free.

ELLIOT PAGE

Good news, sis, I'm not pregnant! So my hope that I wouldn't have to give birth in this crappy situation, came true! And since dramatic irony never happens in movies, that'll be the end of THAT concern, I'm sure.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

I'm worried that we're running out of food. Almost everything to eat is gone--

ELLIOT PAGE

(scarfing down chocolates)

Yerf! Mlph! Sure ish! Terphhble shmme

Into The Woods Script Junior

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

--and I don't know what to do next, all we have are these shelves full of books on all kinds of subjects including gardening and cooking and identifying plants and wilderness survival and WAAAAAAIIIIIT A SECOND

They read the BOOKS and learn about harvesting BERRIES! They collect lots of YUMMY BERRIES and start making JAMS and JELLIES with them! ELLIOT goes out for more BERRIES whil